Blue Moon
by Porcelain Mortal
Summary: Edward finally gives into his desire to "check up" on Bella after he left her in New Moon. He vows to keep his distance, but when Bella's life is in danger once again, can Edward save her one last time? If so, will Bella forgive him for hurting her? EPOV
1. 1: Caving In

**Chapter One – Caving In**

_I won't go back. Bella deserves a life. Bella deserves a life_

Exactly six months to the day had passed since the day I left Bella in the woods of Forks. But I would not allow myself to remember that day. I could not, for fear that the pain would overtake me and I would give in to my strongest desire; to go back and see her again.

As painful as I knew the separation was for her, it was a hundred times more painful for me. A hundred times because I waited nearly a century for someone, or something to alter my life and my self the way Bella did. The way only Bella could.

Every thought I had was filled with visions of her. Memories of her sweet, alluring scent and deep brown eyes I could get lost in. The way her loving gaze would wash over me like melted chocolate, and it always seemed like she could see right through me. As though she was admiring the soul she was so sure I still had.

Even though I left for her, to keep her safe, I couldn't help but look back on that day in the woods and see myself, the monster. After endangering her life over and over again, just by being near her, I hurt her yet again with my lies. I hurt her to save her, because Bella deserved a life.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I attempted to push every other thought out of my head besides those four simple words that were my personal salvation.

_Bella deserves a life._

I repeated that line through my head over and over again every time I was overcome with the desire to go back and see her angelic face just one more time.

I was having a bad day. Through this particular stretch of time – hours, days, weeks, had ceased to mean much to me anymore – I had already repeated my mantra 697 times. I'd been counting, because in reality, there wasn't much else for me to do.

The pain I felt when I removed myself from Bella's life had permeated me and had come to define my entire existence. My unnatural existence was meaningless without my angel by my side, and so I gave up on it. I shut out my family and friends – hell, even total strangers couldn't look at me without being horrified and compelled to escape my presence as fast as possible. I knew what I looked like to them – desperate, confused, and miserable – a grieving man on the verge of insanity. It wasn't getting any easier, either. How would I make it another 60 or 70 years through this searing pain?

I comforted myself with the thought of what would come when I finally ended my life. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I was prepared to make the effort it took. I would not continue my existence once Bella had moved on to the Heaven that surely was anxiously awaiting her arrival. I would find a way to end it, and the oblivion that I imagined awaited me was a welcoming black hole – oblivion, fronted by a finely dressed doorman with a friendly smile, inviting me in. If only I could give in to that oblivion now. But I would not leave this Earth without knowing that she was safe and happy and had lived the best life my absence could offer her. When she was gone, I would go too.

After all, I gave up everything I wanted and needed when I left Bella behind, and I had taken away what she thought she wanted. But Bella didn't truly know what was best for her. She thought a soulless, never-ending existence was the best chance she had in life. I knew better. This thought brought the mantra back to the forefront of my mind. _Bella deserved a life, Bella deserved a life._

Would this ever get any easier?

I'm not sure how much time passed before my willpower finally crumbled. I was sitting in my hole, wallowing in my sadness and just barely existing when I caved. I had been repeating my Bella mantra since I could remember. I'm not sure how much time had passed, but I do know that I had repeated this savory line exactly 1,749 times in a row before my head suddenly cleared.

For the first time since I became a vampire, my mind went completely blank. I failed to form any coherent thoughts, and the image I saw behind my eyelids took my breath away. It was Bella. Her face, her beauty. Her soft, thin frame that was so at odds with her inner strength. Her dazzling smile and the warmth of her deep brown eyes that so easily saw through me. I focused on this image, strengthening it behind my eyelids until I was nearly convinced that she was standing there in front of me.

I sensed that this was a dangerous path to be on, and I suddenly began to fear that I was losing my mind. When I snapped my eyes open, I could still see her standing there before me. As her image in front of me resolved itself, her scent became a clear and strong burning in my throat. I gasped in one desperate breath to see if it could be real, and my throat flamed with the memory of the sweet floral aroma that suddenly seemed to be there.

My nostrils flared and my eyes dilated as I stared at the beautiful and perfect hallucination in front of me.

"Edward, I love you," the hallucination whispered to me. A shudder ripped through my stone body, and I gasped in pain. I suddenly sucked in deep breaths of air like a human just pulled from a near-drowning, even though I didn't physically need the oxygen. If I could produce tears, I'm sure I would have been weeping. Her scent filled my mind and overwhelmed my senses. I couldn't stand it anymore.

Without any real concept of what I was doing, I suddenly stood and was moving. I stepped out of the room I was boarded up in and into the pitch-black night of Buenos Aires. The wind stirred around me, but I could barely feel it. I followed my beautiful illusion as she beckoned me forward with welcoming eyes. Before I realized what was happening, I was running after her. Every step I took, everywhere I looked, all I could see was my heartbreakingly beautiful Bella.

I didn't fully realize where I was going until I slowed to a walk and was striding through the front doors of the Ezeiza International Airport. Some part of my brain was arguing with my body to stop walking, to turn around and go back to the dingy motel I'd spent the last however-long in, lock the door to the outside world and go crazy in private.

Some part of me was screaming that going to check on Bella would only make things a thousand times worse than they already were. Some part of me recognized that the beautiful hallucination was my mind and my heart trying desperately to cooperate with one another to ease my unbearable suffering. I recognized all these things in myself, but that didn't stop me from walking in to find the first airline with open seats on a flight – any flight – to the United States.


	2. 2: Going Home

**Chapter ****Two –**** Going Home**

The barrage of hundreds of people's thoughts in several different languages – all of which I spoke and understood – hit me like a ton of bricks. It had been so long since I'd paid any attention to the thoughts of anyone but myself. Truthfully, I wasn't even paying any attention to the ones around me now. I merely recognized the increase of noise in my head the way someone engrossed in a book might suddenly stop reading, only to realize there is a world going on around them. I tried to tune them all out so I could focus on what I had to do. I nearly stumbled in my hurry – trying to run but forcing myself to walk – as I made my way to the American Airlines ticket desk to ask what flights they had available.

"Where in the United States are you looking to go, sir?" The woman asked me in a polite voice, thick with a heavy Spanish accent. I suddenly realized her native tongue would probably be easier on her and I responded somewhat desperately in fluent Spanish.

"Anywhere, anywhere in the States. Please," I begged her, feeling completely psychotic. I tuned out her flustered thoughts as she gaped at me for a moment before pulling herself together in time to do a quick search on her computer. She seemed genuinely frightened of me, I thought, with odd amusement, thankful that I was able to ignore her thoughts. _I must really be losing it_, I wondered to myself.

"Well, it seems we have a flight leaving in one hour and twenty minutes that will take you in to Dallas, Texas, and then from there, you can connect to just about anywhere, although the soonest connecting flight after you arrive in Dallas would be the connection to Seattle, Washington."

If my heart had been beating, it would have stopped. As it was, I stopped breathing and forced myself to take in one big breath before I practically spat my next words out at the flustered woman.

"I'll take it. I'll take that flight. And the one to Seattle."

"Okay…" She trailed off, seeming fearful of my desperation. I struggled desperately to push her thoughts out of my head. It seemed as though she was screaming at me, and I did not want to know how I looked to her. I threw a credit card onto the counter before she could tell me the price of the flight. I didn't want to know, and I didn't care. Nothing mattered now but the fact that I could soon be home. _Home._

That one word nearly brought me to my knees right there at the American Airlines counter. I grasped desperately at my composure so as not to draw any unwanted attention to myself.

"Will you be checking any bags today, sir?" I vaguely realized the woman was still talking to me.

"Bags? Uh, no. No bags today."

She frowned, seeming concerned by that fact. I really couldn't care about keeping up appearances at that point, so I took my ticket, reciept, and credit card from her as swiftly as I could while still appearing to be human, and strode away.

As I sat near the gate for my flight to Dallas, I tried convincing myself that what I was doing was wrong. But I couldn't bring myself to move from my seat. I twitched nervously in my seat, a 'human' habit I had picked up from Bella. I quickly looked at my wrist to check the time, only to realize that I had thrown my watch away sometime during my fourth month of solitude, after I lost Victoria's trail and realized that time meant nothing to me anymore. I suddenly remembered that I had my cell phone in my pocket, and that it had been off for somewhere around twenty hours. I pulled it out and flipped it open, turning it on.

I jittered anxiously as I waited for the little screen to light up. I couldn't believe all the human habits this conquest was pulling out of me. As soon as the screen came up, I noted the time; 4:56 a.m. Only thirty-four more minutes until my flight would be leaving. Almost time to start boarding. How many hours until I would see her face?

Just then, my phone started to vibrate. It was Alice. Knowing that she was calling because she'd seen my decision to go and check on Bella, and knowing that she would just try to talk me out of it, I chose not to answer. I decided to shut my phone off once more and wait it out.

Ten hours later, my plane touched down in Dallas. I tried not to remember the last time I had been in this part of the country. Two and a half months ago, I followed Victoria from South Florida to Texas, only to follow a false lead into Brazil. I didn't realize it was a false lead until I had already lost her. I was terrible at tracking, and in truth it was the only thing I'd ever really failed at trying in the last eighty years or so. I had refused to believe that I failed, however, and continued searching South America for a month or so before I finally gave up and took refuge in that dingy motel. At the time, I had tried to convince myself that it would be best to check on Bella to make sure that Victoria had not been back in that part of the country. But I knew that if Victoria had gone back to Forks, Alice would see it in time to stop her. And so I had given myself over to my misery.

After nearly two months in a tiny motel room that I only left every two or three weeks to hunt in the local rainforests, the public arena of the busy Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport hit me like a ton of bricks. All the noise, all the light, and the scent of hundreds of humans was a shock to my senses that I had not been prepared for. I tried to ignore the people around me, and thankfully, they did the same. Nobody seemed to take notice in my lack of luggage, for which I was grateful. I barely acknowledged the stewardess who greeted me with a deep southern drawl as I stepped off the plane, and just barely managed to keep up my human façade as I hurried toward the next gate where I would board the final plane to Seattle.

At that point, somewhere in my mind, my rational self was screaming that this was the wrong thing to do – not only for Bella, but also for my own sanity – but I just couldn't care to listen to it. I comforted myself with the idea that I was just going back to check on her and nothing more. The thought of my endless future without her caused my silent heart to twist painfully in my chest. But I would do it for her. If she was happy, then I could go on with my existence – I could hardly call it a life – and leave her in peace.

_But what if she is unhappy?_ My rational self whispered to me. I would not allow myself to answer those thoughts. I could not imagine inflicting my world of horrors on her beautiful life again, and I didn't want to imagine the pain I would have to bear to leave again if she was still unhappy.

_It's what's best for her – but can I do it?_

There didn't seem to be a way to answer that question that I could be satisfied with, so I just ignored it.

I had fifty-three minutes left to wait until my flight to Seattle was scheduled to depart. With nothing to do, I began to wander the shops in the airport and I realized I would need a fresh change of clothes once I got into Washington. I walked into a small shop selling casual clothes and tourist t-shirts. I bought a pair of cargo pants and a black t-shirt with the Dallas skyline printed on the back. It was the least offensive thing in the store. I also purchased a plain black backpack to carry them in. I caught my reflection in the store window as I left, and despite the desperate look on my face, at least I didn't look as out of place as I had in Argentina, walking around an airport with no bags.

I pulled out my cell phone again to check the time. Thirty-six minutes. I decided that shutting my phone off to keep myself from watching the minutes crawl by would be a good idea. After all, I had already waited six months… what were a few more hours?

As I powered down my cell phone, I began to wonder if ignoring Alice's call in Buenos Aires had been the best idea. What if she saw when I would arrive in Seattle and went there herself to intercept me? I began to feel nervous, and pretended to change my mind about checking on Bella, hoping it would confuse her enough that she would not consider that move. Thirty-six minutes. How long until I would see her face again?

I sat in coach on the flight from Dallas to Seattle, something that I was not accustomed to. But it really wasn't so bad, seeing as the small seats could not make me uncomfortable no matter how long the flight, and I didn't have to choke down the cheap bag of peanuts the stewardess handed to me.

_Creepy guy, he looks like he__'s just committed and murder and now he's regretting it… _The stewardess's thoughts interrupted my quiet. _Too bad, too… otherwise, he'd probably be really hot. I never see guys that good-looking flying coach. I wonder why he looks so anxious. I bet I could comfort him…_As her thoughts turned to less-virtuous ideas of ways she could console me, I desperately tuned her out as fast as I could. But not before I caught a glimpse of some porno-inspired fantasy that involved her and I in the bathroom and something about another notch in her "Mile-high Club" belt. Disgusting.

Forgetting the offensive idea, I turned my thoughts to the last time that I'd seen Bella, and how I hoped she would look better this time. What if her face was still twisted into that horrible frown of confusion, loss and sad acceptance? Could I bear it? I told myself the same thing I'd been comforting myself with for the last six months: She's human. Her memories will fade and she will forget me. Even as I thought it, I knew it wasn't true. She would never forget me, but I held out hope that her love for me would fade and she could continue with a normal human life and be happy again.

Happy with someone who deserved her.

I began to doubt my mission. What if I found her in the arms of another man? In truth, this was what I hoped for, but only for her sake. The thought of finding Bella happy and possibly in love with someone else tore at my heart like a rusted chainsaw grinding through me. What if she was with Mike Newton now? I realized she'd never shown any interest in him, but what if he had taken it upon himself to comfort her in a time of need? Would she have fallen into his arms, heartbroken after my abrupt goodbye and anxious to move on? I was getting angry just thinking about how he probably took advantage of a vulnerable Bella on the rebound.

Even as I considered the very real possibility, I knew in my heart that would not be the case. Bella had loved me more than I ever deserved and I knew she wouldn't have moved on so quickly. But I hoped, at least, that she had found peace and happiness in the half year since I'd been gone. I began to really wonder how I would find her?

The flight to Seattle seemed to take three times as long as the one from Argentina had, though in reality, it took only half the time. I began to jitter uncharacteristically as the plane touched down on the wet tarmac. I was relieved to see that it was cloudy and rainy. I hoped the weather would hold. Thankful that I had no luggage to pick up in baggage claim, I pushed through the crowd of people getting off the plane and made my way toward the main lobby of the airport as slowly as I could bear.

I stepped out into the cool Seattle rain and took a deep breath. Smelled like home. Or… almost. I was almost there.

I suddenly realized that it was nearly midnight. It had been days since I last showered, and the smell of airplane cabin clung to me like a blanket of stink. Thankful that vampires didn't feel jetlag, I also realized that I had no car or place to stay overnight until I could check on Bella tomorrow. Of course, the idea of checking on her tonight was so appealing I could barely resist it. To find her sleeping soundly, quiet murmurs escaping her soft lips. Did she still dream about me?

I pushed the idea from my head because I knew it wouldn't be right. I needed a shower and a fresh change of clothes before I should be anywhere near my perfect angel, even if she would never see me. I wouldn't intrude on her tonight.

I also needed time to prepare myself for her mouthwatering scent, and I knew I should hunt. It was so long since I last smelled her. Even though my perfect memory had stored away the fragrance and I could remember it in exact detail, I knew it would not be the same thing as smelling her in person again.

I headed to the nearest car rental desk to ask for the fastest car they could give me. I ended up in a brand new Dodge Charger. I took the keys from the man at the rental desk and headed out into the garage I'd been directed to as they brought the rental around. I was happy with the car – lots of power and speed, which was exactly what I needed – especially since I'd left my own car somewhere in Southern Florida, and Alice had possession of it now. I hoped she was taking care of it.

I started driving aimlessly through the streets of Seattle, and decided to check into the first hotel I saw. I needed somewhere to wash up and spend the night. I also desperately needed some time to prepare myself emotionally for what I knew I was going to endure. For her.

I ended up at the Holiday Inn and checked into a room with two double beds. It didn't matter to me, I wouldn't be using them anyway. But I tried not to let myself think of that. I let myself into the room I had rented and decided to try and relax for a bit. I laid down on the bed and let my mind wander.

Since I first walked into the airport in Buenos Aires, a strange calm had come over me. Even when I was on the plane, waiting anxiously to arrive in Seattle and worrying about the state I would find Bella in, I still felt better than I had in more than half a year. I was going to see my Bella again. Except that she wasn't my Bella anymore. I tried to push that thought from my head, but it persisted, nagging at me.

I had always known that I wasn't good enough for her, even though I had so selfishly clung to the idea that we could stay together. I should have known it wouldn't work out. She was an angel… in a pathetically fragile human body. I was a monster. She deserved so much better than me, but I would still always think of her as _my_ Bella. She would be a part of me forever, and at least I had that.

I was so grateful for the time that she'd given me, time I didn't deserve. Thanks to my flawless memory, I could recall every moment shared with Bella in perfect detail.

I remembered how she looked to me that first day; the blush that colored her cheeks as she became embarrassed by my glare and then fearful of the monster in my eyes. How her look of apprehension and confusion around me had turned to one of gratitude and frustration over the mystery I presented to her as I repeatedly saved her life under impossible circumstances. The indecipherable expression on her face when she told me that it didn't matter to her that I was a monster, and the feeling that shook me to my core when she uttered my name in sleep.

And then the trust in her eyes as she touched me in the meadow… the alluring scent of her blood mixing with the feminine aroma of strawberries in her hair as I held her in the sunlight. Despite the burn in my throat, our love made me sure that I was strong enough not to kill her.

I remembered the way her warm touch affected my body, that first time and always – like being shocked, but in a good way. Her warmth seemed to flow through my cold body, and when I kissed her soft, inviting lips, her heart would pound so loudly sometimes it seemed as though it beat within me.

Bella brought out the best in me; she strengthened my control over my instincts and my ability to touch her so gently without hurting her. She brought me happiness that I never felt before her.

Being with Bella even brought many of my lost human memories back to me. Memories I hadn't thought about in years came hurtling back through my mind like I was living them again. They were fuzzy, but they reminded me of my human life. My time with Bella made me feel almost human again.

It was the disaster of her eighteenth birthday party that violently forced me to realize just how inhuman I was, and reminded me of the danger she was in every second that I spent with her. It didn't matter how much self-control I had around her. As long as she was with me, she would always be at risk of getting hurt, or worse, killed. It wasn't only me; my whole world was too dangerous for her. I knew that she'd rather be with me, despite the risk, than be alone. But I knew I had to be the strong one, so I had made the choice for her. I removed myself from her life to keep her safe.

Now I was going back. Sure, I was only going to check on her; I would keep my distance, and she would never know I was there. But what if just my being in close proximity to her brought her danger? It wasn't logical, so I refused to face that possibility. Now that I had gotten this far, I couldn't turn back.

I needed to see her so bad, the aching hole that had been a constant part of me for the last six months throbbed agonizingly as I imagined not seeing her now. I couldn't wait any longer. I pulled myself off the bed and decided it was time to hunt and prepare for the final leg of my journey.


	3. 3: Realization

**Chapter Three – Realization**

The drive into Forks made me much more anxious than I would care to admit. I had no idea what was going to happen. I knew I had to stay as far away as possible from Bella, for fear of giving in and going back to her.

I imagined appearing at her bedroom window and begging her to take me back. That image in my head was… so appealing. What if she was too angry to listen to me? I had always imagined her forgiving me if I went back – not that I deserved it, but that was just her nature – but if I tried to get her back and failed, the devastation would cripple me. What would I do without her?

It was a moot point anyway, though, because I would not give in. No matter how bad I longed to touch her, to hold her close and breathe her in, to tell her I loved her and had never loved another, I could not – I _would_ not give in. I told myself this over and over again as I forced myself to concentrate on the road ahead.

I definitely overdid it with the hunting. In the forests to the east of Seattle, I found deer and coyotes, among other small game. Hoping to pass the time, I had taken each animal slower than usual. Trying to be as gentle as possible while I killed and then fed felt like re-training a skill I hadn't used in months. I knew I drank more than I needed, but it seemed like a wise precaution anyway.

Thankfully, the hunting trip had taken nearly four hours, and dawn broke during my drive back to the hotel to clean up and change. Now I was heading home.

Driving as fast as I ever had, pushing the rental car to its limit, I wanted to make it to Forks to see Bella before she got to school. I knew I was pushing it.

As I reached the outer limits of town, a surge of emotions came flooding through me. The last time I had sped across these borders surged into my mind like a tidal wave; the anger I felt at myself, the guilt about lying to Bella, and my selfish despair as I faced a future without her. The pain I saw etched across Bella's flawless features as I disappeared was permanently embedded into my mind, and I tried desperately to push the thought out of my head. Today was about her, about her happiness. About making sure she was okay…

Who was I kidding? This trip was about nothing and nobody but me. She didn't need me to check on her. She didn't need me anywhere near her precious, human life. As I berated myself for my rash and careless decision to come back, I pushed down harder on the gas pedal.

Anxiety coursed through me. The familiar streets I raced down and the scent that only this town contained attacked my senses, and I felt _home_. Finally. I slowed to a crawl as I reached Bella's neighborhood. I hadn't thought about how I should do this.

I decided to ditch the car in an alcove of trees by the side of the road a few miles south of Bella's house and run from there. I raced through the trees, eager to hear my love's heartbeat. It reached me over a mile away, and I breathed a deep sigh of relief. To finally hear it again moved me in a way I never expected.

I was almost at the spot in the woods where I said my blasphemous goodbye to Bella. I couldn't bear the thought of being near there again, so I quickly climbed into a tree several yards from the edge of her lawn.

I knew Charlie had already left for work, because I couldn't hear his mildly guarded thoughts. I could hear Bella banging around in the kitchen on the lower floor. Then I heard the fast, ascending stamp of her feet as she rushed upstairs for something. The clumsy, uneven fall of her footsteps brought indescribable pleasure to me. I needed more.

I listened as intently as I could to her hammering heart. The sound rushed through my ears and sent a wave of ease shooting down my spine. Typical Bella, I nearly chuckled to myself; rushing around, late for class. I saw the first day I picked her up for school play through my head. She had been in a hurry that day, too. She was so startled when she spotted me waiting in the driveway for her. I could never understand why my attraction to her always seemed to shock her. She was so easy to desire.

Of course, today she wouldn't have me or my Volvo to get her to school on time, so she was running as she came out of the house. Dressed plainly in an oversized blouse, jacket, jeans and sneakers, her hair falling out of a messy bun, with her school bag flung over her right shoulder and a pop tart hanging out of her mouth, she never looked more beautiful. The sight of her stunned me.

I reveled in her perfection as she fumbled, almost in slow motion, with her keys to get her truck door open. She was overwhelming. I could hardly bear the sight of her. Seeing her face flush from the unseasonable chill in the air, it was all I could do to keep myself from jumping down, out of my tree and running to her side to open the door for her. To hold the shockingly warm, silky-smooth skin of her hand as she climbed in. Or better yet – to lift her into the drivers' seat so she wouldn't have to reach.

I watched her back carefully out of the driveway, always so cautious, before I planned my next move. I jumped nimbly from my damp tree branch and landed silently on my feet. I knew I couldn't follow her all the way to school at a run – there were parts of the road that were not surrounded by trees, and she could easily spot me – so I ran back to my stowed rental car to follow her to the high school.

I waited a few minutes to give her time to get to school. Even when I left, I drove uncharacteristically slow. I didn't want to chance anyone from town noticing me while I was here. She should never know I came back.

I decided that the same course of action would be the best way to see her at school, so I parked by the side of a rarely-traveled back street and ran the rest of the way through the woods. I found myself in the treetops just outside of the high school before Bella had even arrived. I could hear the rumble of her truck's atrociously loud engine in the distance, though. One more minute, maybe two, and she would be here, in my sight once more.

I could hear the steady thump of her heartbeat before her truck even rounded the corner to turn into the parking lot. I filled myself on the sound, savoring every beat, imagining her strong heart pumping all that luscious blood through her fragile veins. So strong, and yet, still so frail. She was healthy, though, (for a human,) and that's what mattered.

She parked her car near the back of the lot, since most of the spaces were already filled. In my peripheral vision, I noticed her friend Angela and the boy I assumed she was still dating, Ben, by the front door of the English building. Waiting for her, I assumed.

Keeping my eyes on Bella as she made her way across the parking lot, I was suddenly struck by an intensely unsettling realization.

Bella _didn't_ look healthy. I was shocked to my core by her appearance. How had I not noticed this before, when I first saw her outside her house?

She looked almost… hollowed out. That was the best way I could describe it. She had deep circles under her eyes and she had definitely lost weight. No wonder her clothes hung off of her. She must have dropped at least ten pounds off her already slim frame.

She looked frighteningly delicate; more breakable than she ever appeared to me before. I then noticed something else looked off about her – her hair had lost it's sheen, it's luster. It always seemed so radiant before, but suddenly her entire being seemed as though it had been dipped in dirt. Everything about her appeared dull.

More than just her looks, I realized, there was no life in her face, either. No expression or emotion radiating from her at all. I very nearly fell out of my tree as I was rocked by this revelation.

What happened to her? Had she been sick? Hurt? Something must have happened to her that made her look like that. I watched her as she approached the area where Angela and Ben sat, expecting her to stop and greet them. I would know when she spoke.

Bella simply raised her eyes from the ground long enough to look Angela in the eyes. She offered a small smile and a soft "hello," which Angela enthusiastically returned. Then Bella continued right on into her first period English without another word.

Since I first returned to civilization, I had been tuning out every thought of those around me, trying hard to focus on why I was here. Now, more than curious – terrified, I forced myself to tune in, like turning the knobs on a radio dial, to the thoughts of Angela Webber and Ben Crowley.

_She didn't look good today, _Angela thought, sympathy weighing heavily on her mind as she glanced sadly at her boyfriend. He seemed almost to be able to read her thoughts.

"I know how hard that is, Ang, but you just gotta keep trying. She seems to be getting better, right? These last few weeks it seemed like she was improving." _Although not that much, especially considering how long it's been. And some days she looks worse than ever – like today, _he thought, but didn't add out loud. Angela nodded in agreement and sighed as they stood to head into the building.

I was furious. What were they talking about? What had happened to Bella in my absence that seemed to suck the life right out of her, and why hadn't Alice seen it? In the next instant, I saw my pale, dead face suddenly flash into both of their minds and I felt as though I'd been struck by lightening. All my senses cut completely off as I realized what they had both been thinking of.

Me.


	4. 4: Acceptance

**Chapter Four – Acceptance**

I had an answer to my question, it seemed, but my mind was still struggling to understand.

I had put that look in my angel's eyes. I had been the thing that hurt her so bad she looked almost as dead as me. I couldn't hear, I couldn't see anything in front of me. I couldn't breathe. A thick sob wrenched its way up my throat and out my mouth before I could stop it. I felt sick to my core, and the pain that was battering my insides shook me so hard I nearly fell from the tree that I could no longer feel beneath me. I struggled to get a grip on myself as I processed the realization I had just come to.

Had Bella really looked that way nearly every day for the last _six months?_ Ben seemed to think she looked worse today than she had in awhile, but that didn't mean much. If she still looked that way, even sometimes, after seven months… what had I done to her?

I knew she believed my lies when I told her that I was leaving because I didn't want her anymore. That knowledge, that she could so easily forget everything I'd ever told her before, had cut me deeply. Despite that, though, I was intensely grateful that she had believed me, because I thought it meant she would be able to move on more easily. More than half a year had passed since I left, and still she looked so… broken. Lifeless.

She had more life in her when I found her in the ballet studio in Phoenix. She had more… light in her eyes then than I'd seen today.

I truly was a monster.

I was always instinctively aware of that, though I'd done my best to contain it over the years. But the image of her empty, hollow expression just now was burning itself into my brain, and I realized just how much of a monster I still was.

I successfully resisted the temptation of her blood, but that was the only battle I'd won. I'd lost everything else I stood for when I selfishly imposed myself on Bella's life. I was greedy for sticking around even though I knew it could hurt her. Hideous for allowing her to fall in love with me, and completely unforgivable for getting her deeper entrenched in my world than she ever needed to be. I led our relationship on as though we actually stood the chance of a future together.

True to the monster within, I destroyed the one thing that meant the world to me. The light, the love, the life in Bella's eyes was gone. The monster I fought so hard to suppress had won – after everything.

Completely disgusted, I forced myself to regain my senses. Carefully listening in on the thoughts of those in the school, I quickly found Bella in the thoughts of the student who sat next to her in her first period English class.

_My God, she looks awful. Like she didn't sleep at all last night. I know everybody thinks she just went crazy when her boyfriend left – but I wonder if there's something else going on. I wonder if she's on drugs. Imagine _Chief Swan's_ daughter addicted to drugs! She doesn't really seem the type, but that's definitely how she looks right now… like a crack addict in desperate need of a fix. I remember that show I saw on TV one time about drug interventions and that's exactly what the addicts looked like…_

Her thoughts turned to an imperfect and fuzzy recollection of what happened on that TV show as she turned her gaze back to the front of the class, and I tuned her out once more.

I couldn't believe this was all because of me. Leaving was supposed to help her, damn it! I left to keep her safe and healthy.

I knew it was a crazy idea that Bella could turn to drugs in my absence. Not especially since the closest place to get your hands on anything harder than weed around here was all the way in Seattle. You just didn't get crack addicts in a tiny town like Forks. I knew she was better than that, anyway. But what if it was something else? What if she had developed an eating disorder, or been drinking, or worse – hurting herself?

I refused to believe that my absence could have driven her to such violent extremes, but I couldn't ignore the evidence in my mind. She looked _so _breakable…

I don't know if my mind was going into denial to try and protect my broken, unbeating heart, but I was suddenly gripped by the conviction that there must be something else to this whole thing. Everybody seemed to blame me for Bella's current condition, but what if there was something they didn't know? If Bella had gotten sick after I left, she was just the type of person who wouldn't tell a soul. She would never want anyone to feel sorry for her. Bella was a caregiver, completely self-sufficient, and she never let anyone fuss over her. So maybe she was sick. I decided that there must be something else to it, and I was determined to find out what it was.

I hated to leave her this way – apparently alone, isolated from the people around her – but I needed to figure out the truth. I forced myself down from the tree and ran back through the woods towards Bella's home. I didn't stop to get the car this time; I couldn't afford to lose my momentum, so I just kept running, too fast for human eyes to process. Bella's neighborhood was incredibly quiet, most people seemed to be at work or school. I slowed to a walk as I passed through the trees behind her house and into her yard.

I knew it was wrong. I shouldn't go snooping. But I didn't care about manners anymore, couldn't bear not knowing. I scaled the side of the house easily and peered into Bella's bedroom window. It would be impossible to get any information from here. I had to go inside.

Holding my breath, I silently prayed that the window was not locked, and thanked whatever god would listen that it wasn't when I tried the latch. It squeaked up the frame with a loud creak, as though it hadn't been opened in while.

I let out my breath and sucked the air from Bella's bedroom in slowly.

Her scent hit me like a swift punch in the face from Emmet and then washed over me like a tidal wave. The sensation nearly threw me from my perch at the windowsill. My throat burned and crawled and itched painfully, waiting for the release. I swallowed roughly and took in another deep breath.

Not so bad the second time. It was hard to be away from that scent that I adored, but almost harder to be near it again after so much time. Surprisingly, it was even more painful than I remembered.

I climbed swiftly through the opening and closed the window behind me, not wanting the bitter March wind to cool her room. I looked around me. Much of it was the same as I remembered: The half-made bed with tangled sheets showing from under the flat comforter, the ancient computer with papers piled up on the desk around it, even her closet, half open on one side, a pile of clothes at the base of the door that was still closed. I breathed a sigh of relief and found myself comforted by the burning aroma that saturated her things.

I took a step further into the room, trying to re-memorize everything.

_Stop it, Edward! This is not a pleasure trip._

I tried hard to focus on why I was here. As I continued my assessment, I noticed there were no books anywhere. That was odd. Bella was always reading, but her favorite Jane Austen novels were nowhere in sight. I took a slightly unsteady step around her small, untidy bed and tried not to remember the last time I had been in this room and held her here.

I looked at the nightstand to the left of her bed. The framed photo of Bella and her mother and the small silver lamp were there, the same as always. Glancing over to the stand to the right of the bed, I saw that the CD player she always kept there was gone. Bella liked to fall asleep to music on those nights when I wasn't around to sing her lullaby to her.

I snuck stealthily around her bedroom, feeling like a dirty criminal just for intruding, but becoming more concerned as I noticed other things that were not right.

The stack of CDs that would have accompanied the small boom box wasn't on her nightstand, either – or anywhere else I could see, for that matter. I began really snooping around, shameless in my concern, and realized there were no books or CDs anywhere in Bella's room. I opened her closet doors and was surprised to find the mirror that hung on the inside of one of them was covered top to bottom with a huge bath towel.

Despite the things that hadn't changed, the room suddenly looked alien to me, like I'd never been here before. Only the burning in my throat assured me that I didn't have the wrong house. Where were all of Bella's things?

On instinct, I crouched down and lifted the dust ruffle around the bottom of her bed to look underneath. All her books were there. Her Jane Austens, her Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein," "Ann of Green Gables," – they were all there, covered in a thin layer of dust. Also under the bed, covered in dust: her CD player and several CDs. Everything looked like it hadn't been touched in ages. I exhaled softly and several dust bunnies flew up to swirl around my face.

It appeared as though Bella didn't live here, like someone else had taken up residence in her room and pushed all of Bella's things out of the way. I suddenly worried that she'd been in the hospital. What if she'd been really sick? Maybe Angela and Ben just wanted to blame me for the hurt I'd caused, but some sort of illness was really to blame for Bella's appearance this morning. Perhaps she hadn't been living here recently.

My rational mind tried to convince my aching heart of this fact while I rifled through the drawers of her nightstands, looking for a hospital bracelet, or a doctor's note – anything to indicate that she had spent some time away from home and school. I rushed to the bathroom and looked in the medicine cabinet for any prescription pills. Maybe she was on a medication that made it hard for her to sleep, or to focus on things like reading and music. But I didn't find anything besides a small bottle of Tylenol, and some Neosporin and bandages.

My theory was dead, and I knew it. I'd known it since I first saw my face flash through the minds of Bella's friends. I knew she hadn't been sick or injured. I had been grasping at straws from the moment I decided to come back to Bella's house, desperate to find anything that could relieve even a little of the crushing guilt and searing pain that pummeled me. I didn't want to believe that the changes in Bella were just because of me. Now I couldn't deny it any longer.

I couldn't stand to be away from her any longer, so I rushed back to Bella's bedroom. Making sure everything was as I found it, I paused for a moment as I remembered the items that were stowed under one of her floorboards by the foot of her bed. I wonder what she suspected I had done with her things. I tried not to imagine how she'd found her things missing as I slipped out her window, shutting it tight behind me. Keeping my composure was a struggle as I ran back to the school and settled high into my tree to wait, and listen.

Unable to find Bella in anyone's head, and frustrated once again that I couldn't just listen to _her, _I let my mind wander.

I knew now that I had to go back to her. My heart surged and almost seemed to throb with life as I considered allowing myself to be with Bella again. All the ways I had imagined our reunion, I always assumed it would be because of my weakness that I would ask her to forgive me. After all, it was my own selfishness that brought me back to Forks in the first place, but I could see that Bella clearly needed me as much as I needed her.

This realization sent a shiver down my spine, but I wasn't sure if it was one of pleasure or sadness. For one thing, I was devastated that she had endured nearly as much pain as I did. I had hoped it wasn't as hard on her as it had been on me, and I would never be able to make it up to her. On the other hand, I was suddenly so sure that we could be together again that I felt half of the weight I'd been carrying around for the last six months dissipate completely. If I could be with her, I'd gladly spend the next hundred years on my knees, groveling. I would never deserve her forgiveness, but I would try.

Struck with comprehension that I had undoubtedly decided to go back and beg Bella's absolution, I suddenly realized that I had no idea how I would do this.

I couldn't just show up on her doorstep and ring the doorbell… could I?

Maybe I would appear in her window – no, I shot that down quickly. It was a little creepy, even for me. I knew I didn't want to do it in a public place, so I couldn't just show up outside the classroom door and offer to walk her to her next class.

"_Hello, Bella, can I carry your books for you?"_ I imagined myself asking rather lamely. I shook my head; that would never work. The scene playing in my mind continued, though, and I could easily see the shock on Bella's face and her first words to me in over six months.

"_Edward? Why are you here? Get away from me, leave me alone," she shouts as she shoves me aside and hurries on without me._

I sighed to myself. Bella never was one for anger like that, but I knew this could be very complicated. I definitely needed some time figure out how I could approach this, and more importantly, what I would say.

I was jolted out of my reverie as I caught her name in the thoughts of her third period Spanish teacher.

_Poor Bella Swan, _Miss Lopez thought. _Her grades have been so good, she's really been working hard. But I wonder if all her hard work and extra credit projects have just been something to keep her busy. She hasn't been the same since that Cullen boy left. The whole family left so abruptly, and I know she was close friends with the sister, too. What was her name… Alice? I know just how she feels. It felt like the end of the world when George first left me, but life goes on. She's so young, I hope she gets over it soon. To waste the young years of your life pining over a boy who so easily leaves you behind… such a shame._

"Miss Lopez? Tengo una pregunta," someone in class asked in awkward Spanish as they raised their hand. With her thoughts about Bella interrupted, I ignored the Spanish teacher once again and returned to tuning out everyone, listening only for Bella's name.

It was still hard for me to believe I meant that much to her. I always hoped, but I believed humans couldn't love like immortals could. They were just too fickle with each other.

I'd never seen a love to rival Carlisle and Esme's, or even Alice and Jasper's. They were only complete when they were together. I always felt that way about Bella, but she wasn't supposed to feel it about me.

Only three hours had passed since I first saw Bella come rushing out of her house, and in that time I learned that she had loved me more than I ever guessed.

In all my years, I'd never seen another human deal so badly with a breakup.

I tried to avoid that word internally, because I still thought of her as mine – my other half – despite the fact that we were no longer together.

I always believed that humans had it fairly easy. They were usually able to deal with their emotions and then move on from them. Without a memory like ours, humans could forget about what had hurt them, and then find something to make them happy again. I'd seen them do it time and time again. It was something I always envied.

Bella's actions had never failed to surprise me, though. She was behaving like any human would who had lost a parent or child – not like the monsters in her life had left town.

I sighed. Bella never acted like anybody else. I should have known.

Of course she still loved me. If she had stopped loving me, she would have moved on by now.

Bella still loved me. My realization caused my overworked brain to fall silent and my heart surged forward with hope. I could almost imagine myself whole again.

_Bella would take me back._


End file.
